


It's So Simple (But We Can't Stay)

by Lady_Slytherin



Category: Lovely Little Losers
Genre: Alcohol, Bisexuality, Coming Out, F/F, Secret Relationship, canon pairings in the background because this is a Canon Compliant fic, takes place during lolilo starting just after Meg's arrival in Wellington
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-02-21
Packaged: 2018-05-22 11:25:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6077574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Slytherin/pseuds/Lady_Slytherin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><strong>Lovely Little Femslash Day One: Secret Dating</strong><br/>On her third night in Wellington, Meg goes to Navarre Bar and meets Jaquie Manders. Now if she can just keep the entire internet from finding out. Canon compliant in that it is never actually <i>disproved</i> by canon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Shoutout to @megwinter on tumblr for betaing! The title comes from the Halsey song "Drive."

Meg sprawled out across the couch. It was so _boring_ here when the others were in class. Not Bea, of course, but she’d gone to see some of her old friends and Meg had felt like too much of an outsider tagging along. Kit, of course, was at work. She though vaguely about working on an article, but she was already over a week ahead. Any more than that and she’d have to admit that she’d become one of _those people_ who couldn’t think about anything to work. 

Three days in Wellington, and she’d already run out of things to do. That had to be some sort of record.

She’d been lying there for almost twenty minutes when Peter burst in the front door. 

“Oh. Hi,” he said, dropping his backpack on the table. 

“Hi yourself,” Meg said. She leaned over the edge of the couch so she could see him. “It’s so boring here, how do you stand it? Especially if you’re not going out after ten.”

“I work past ten,” Peter said with a shrug. He dug through his back and pulled out a copy of _Faustus._

“When _do_ you next work?” Meg demanded. 

Peter didn’t look up from his script. “Tonight.”

“I’m coming with you,” Meg said. “And you’d better be giving me free drinks if you plan on me _ever_ forgiving you making me stay in a tent.”

“I didn’t invent the rules,” Peter said. “But sure, you can come. Just make sure to go through the gate instead of the house when we get back, all right? I don’t want to get punished for letting you in after curfew.”

Meg smiled and blew him a kiss. “Thanks, babe.”

Now she just had to find a way to fill the hours until tonight. She stayed on the couch for a little while, watching Peter read through his lines, then brought out her computer to work on another article.

*

Meg ended up so immersed in what she was writing that she let Peter go to the bar without her, promising to catch up later. She arrived an hour into his shift and slid into a seat at the bar, waiting for him to notice her. _Come on, stop chatting up your coworkers and talk to me,_ she thought at him.

When he finally turned away from the girl he was talking to, Meg saw that Peter was wearing _eyeliner._ She’d seen it before, of course, in Ben’s video where they’d gone to town, but _damn_ if he didn’t look even better in person. She made eye contact and waved.

Peter waved back, and walked over to where she was seated. “Hey. What do you want to drink?” he asked over the bar, raising his voice so that Meg could hear him over the crowd.

“I’ll start with vodka tonight,” she said. Peter gave her a thumbs up and went to retrieve a bottle. While he was gone, the girl he’d been talking to approached her. She looked familiar, but Meg couldn’t quite place her.

“Who are you?” the girl asked. “I haven’t seen you here before.” 

When Meg heard her voice, she realized why she seemed so familiar. “I’m Peter’s friend Meg. Hey, you’re Jaquie, right? I’ve seen you in a few of Ben’s videos.”

“Oh, right,” Jaquie said. She actually smiled, something Meg had never seen her do on camera. “I think I watched one of yours. You sang a mean song about your friend.”

“Hypocritical,” Meg said automatically, then, “It wasn’t _that_ mean.”

“No, just the right amount,” Jaquie said, and that was all Meg need to hear to know that the two of them would get along _great._

Peter returned and slid her vodka across the bar towards her. Meg made eye contact with Jaquie as she downed the shot, making a point not to wince as it hit her throat. For some reason, Meg felt that it was important that she make some sort of impression.

Clearly, it worked because a few shots later and Jaquie tipped her head towards the door. “It’s my break,” she said. “Want to get some air?”

“Yes,” Meg said, sliding off her stool to follow Jaquie out the door. They went out the back, into an alleyway that would have made Meg nervous if it weren’t for the streetlight shining directly onto the door. As it was, she felt like a character in a movie, which was one of her favorite ways to feel.

Jaquie took a pack of cigarettes out of her pocket, looked at it for a moment, then put it back. “I’m trying to quit,” she explained. 

“Oh.”

“You’re going to have to distract me,” She leaned her back against the wall, and all Meg could think about was how _cool_ she looked.

“How?” Meg asked, moving next to her so she could match her position.

“Oh, I’m sure you can think of something,” Jaquie said with a wry smile. Her eyes flicked down to Meg’s lips.

_Fuck._ Meg leaned and and kissed her, deciding that if things went wrong she could always blame it on the alcohol.

Jaquie returned the kiss. Her hands curled around Meg’s hair, tugging, and Meg let her fingers drift along her spine as she pulled her closer. Jaquie tasted like peach schnapps. Meg thought she might get lost in it, so she pulled away and moved her lips along Jaquie’s neck, gently at first and then less-gently. When their lips met again, Meg slid her tongue into Jaquie’s mouth.

Some small part of Meg stood outside of it all and asked her questions, things that always came up when she kissed girls, like _What are you doing?_ and _Will this matter tomorrow?_ and _How much more of this can you take, how many times until you break apart and everyone finds out?_

Her lips were chapped and her hands were cold when she pulled away, and all Meg wanted to do was move back in but she knew it wasn’t an option. “I think your break is over,” she whispered. 

Jaquie laughed. “Probably.” She kissed Meg softly one last time, then walked back into the bar.

Meg watched her leave, then buried her face in her hands. “ _Fuck,_ ” she whispered, wondering if she were about to cry, but her eyes remained as dry as her lips. After a few minutes she pulled herself together enough to pull out her phone use it to look at herself. Once she’d touched up her lipstick and fixed her hair, she returned the bar, forcing a bit of bounce into her step because she was Meg Winter and she could do this.

“Where were you?” Peter asked when she approached the bar, raising his voice to be heard over the crowd. “I thought you’d gone back to the flat.”

“Just needed some air,” Meg said with a smile. “And now what I need is another drink.”

“What do you want?”

She shrugged. “Surprise me.”

Peter looked at her for a minute, then went to the other side of the bar and brought her a shot of peach schnapps.

*

A week and a half later, Meg woke up to a text from an unknown number. By the time she’d managed to untangle herself from her sleeping bag and grab her phone, there was a second one.

 **Tell your friend Ben he’s an IDIOT xoxoxoxo**

**oh and pls make sure that Peter’s all right I love the boy but he does not know how to take care of himself ((he’s really, really bad at it)) thx.**

Meg frowned at her phone, then typed, _who is this??_ Fuck, she’d slept later than she meant to. It was already ten.

**oh sorry it’s Jaquie. probably should have said that first huh oh well you know it’s me now surprise!!**

Shit. Peter must have given Jaquie her number. Meg hadn’t returned to the bar since the night of the kiss, too worked up about what had happened to risk seeing Jaquie again. It was okay as long as it didn’t mean anything. It wasn’t as though this was the first time something like this had happened.

But it was the first time anyone had texted her after something like this.

Her phone pinged again. 

**seriously tho make sure Peter’s okay he can’t have been happy with having that kiss posted like that literally wtf was Ben thinking?? (and where can I get friends who create this much drama my life is boooring right now)**

_yeah I’ll check in,_ Meg typed back. _have to do it later tho, he’s not home rn._

**thanks**

Meg assumed that this was the end of the conversation, but when she checked her phone again after getting dressed she saw that there was another message.

**today’s rehearsal got canceled, wanna hang? it’d be cool to see you again!!!**

Meg stared at the screen for a moment. Bea and Kit were already at work, and the others probably had class. It _would_ be nice to have something to do besides sit in the flat by herself working on articles that weren’t due for weeks. _sure, why not?_ she replied. She could use a friend in Wellington.

**want me to come over there?**

**not here, things are tense since Ben’s last vid and idk where he has the camera hidden today**

**my place then? I have flatmates but they’re never around so u don’t need to feel awk (not that you would but you know what I mean) let me know!!!**

**Sounds good!**

A moment later, Meg’s phone pinged with a text from Jaquie giving her address. It turned out that she lived nearby, close enough that Meg managed to walk there in all of ten minutes. _Here!_ she texted.

The door almost immediately. “Hey,” Jaquie said. “Come in.”

_She’s cute when she smiles._ Meg forced herself to look away from Jaquie and around the room that she was entering. “Cool flat,” she said. It was. The walls were covered in posters, and there were two large bookshelves against the back wall. Meg wondered who in the flat read that much, or if the books were owned collectively. In the center of the room was a large red couch, with a coffee table in front of it.

“Thanks,” Jaquie said. “You want to sit? I’d invite you to my room, but it’s a mess, and no one else is here anyway.”

“This is fine,” Meg said, sitting down. The couch was a little bit squishy and she could feel herself sinking into it. “Thanks for inviting me over. Everyone’s in class all the time. It’s _awful_ ”

“Well, you’re welcome here anytime. I’m not in Uni right now, so things are pretty boring for me too.” Jaquie sat down next to her. “Want to watch something?” she asked, gesturing to the laptop she had set up on the coffee table. “One of my flatmates has Netflix and she lets us use it.”

“Sure,” Meg said, moving around and trying to get comfortable. The only way not to feel as though she was sinking through the couch was to lean on Jaquie a little bit, so she did that. Before long, they were bonding over “That 70s Show.” Meg quickly discovered that she could make Jaquie laugh by nudging her every time Jackie spoke on the show, as though she had just remembered that they shared a name.

By the third episode, Jaquie had taken to retaliation in the form of tickling. Meg shrieked, almost falling off the couch in her attempt to escape. “Not fair!” she yelled through her laughter.

“Totally fair,” Jaquie replied, but she moved away. “We should probably turn this off, huh?” she said, gesturing to the computer that was still playing the show.

“Probably,” Meg agreed. Jaquie paused the video and shut her computer.

“What should we do now?” Meg asked. She was still laughing a little bit.

Jaquie looked at her, then looked away. “You don’t have to say yes to this,” she said. “But we could make out again.”

“Oh,” Meg said, laughter stopping abruptly.

“Like I said, we don’t have to.”

Meg tried to make eye contact with Jaquie, wondering how she was going to articulate what she was feeling. “It’s not that,” she said slowly. “I think I’d like to do it again.” She _knew_ she’d like to do it again, but for some reason, that was harder to say. “But we have to be really careful.”

Jaquie looked confused. “You mean if we have sex? Because you don’t need to worry about that, I don’t have unprotected sex.”

“That’s not what I mean,” Meg said. She closed her eyes and leaned back as far as she could into the couch, hoping it would swallow her up. “I mean, we can’t let anyone know.”

She couldn’t see Jaquie’s face with her eyes closed, but she could tell from her voice that it had shifted. “You’re not out, are you?” Jaquie asked. “Shit, that’s what Peter meant.”

“You told Peter?” Meg asked, eyes snapping open. _Shit._

“He won’t tell anyone,” Jaquie said quickly. “I know he can be a bit of an ass sometimes, but Peter’s a good guy. He wouldn’t out someone without their permission.”

Meg swallowed hard. “I’ll tell them eventually,” she said, feeling the bizarre need to justify herself. “It’s just hard right now, is all.”

“So what do we do?” Jaquie asked. 

“We can still do stuff,” Meg said. “We just can’t let anyone find out. Would you be okay with that?” 

Jaquie gave a tiny shrug. Her face was impossible to read. “I remember what it was like not to be out,” she said. “I wouldn’t pressure you about something like that.”

_But are you_ okay _with it?_ Meg didn’t ask. She changed the subject “You’re in Peter’s play, right?” 

“Yeah,” Jaquie said. “Of course, I don’t have any lines because I didn’t fit Costa’s _artistic vision_ for any of the good parts.” She rolled her eyes.

Meg took a few deep breaths, still trying to recover from the conversation they weren’t having. “What’s this Costa guy like? I only know about him from Peter, and he hasn’t said much.”

Jaquie snorted. “I’m not sure I can say much either. You’ll have to wait until you meet him, then you’ll understand.”

“Oh.” Meg cast around for ways to keep this conversation going. “Do you like acting?”

“I love it,” Jaquie said, her face softening into a genuine smile. “I mean, I wouldn’t accept such a shitty role if I didn’t. What about you, what do you like to do? I saw in one of your videos that you write for a magazine.”

Meg smiled, impressed by the fact that Jaquie knew that. “Yeah, I do,” she said. “Mostly small pieces right now, but they really like me. They want me to write about things that matter to me. It’s nice. I’ve never felt like what I said had any value until I started working there.”

“I’m glad you have that job, then,” Jaquie said. “You should let me read one of your articles sometime.”

“I’ll bring them up online for you if you want,” Meg said. 

“Yeah, okay.” Jaquie said. She leaned forward to turn her computer back on, but Meg put a hand on her arm. “What?” 

“Well, you said that thing earlier about making out,” Meg said, trying not to show any signs of the way her heart rate was speeding up. “Do you want to maybe do that first?”

Jaquie raised her eyebrows, a smile ghosting across her face. This was all Meg needed to lean in and kiss her. Meg tried to tell herself that it wasn’t an apology for all the things she couldn’t be, but couldn’t quite make herself believe it.

*

**Jaquie: yesterday was so good let’s hang out again sometime soon okay? better say yes or you’ll miss seeing more of me and I know you don’t want that**

**Meg: omg you’re right I don’t. lunch later this week?**

**Jaquie: let’s do it!!!**

*

**Meg: lunch today was fun!! we should do it again sometime.**

**Jaquie: hell yes we are amazing and so is lunch so us + lunch = double amazing can’t be beat. Monday?**

**Meg: yes please.**

*

Meg laid her head on Jaquie’s lap. “I’m bored.”

Jaquie ran her fingers though her hair. Meg leaned into it. “Did you know you only touch me when we’re alone?” Jaquie asked.

Meg closed her eyes, as though she could somehow shut out this conversation. “Yeah, because I’m not out to them.”

“We were hanging out with Peter yesterday and you didn’t touch me then either,” Jaquie said. “I know you’re not officially out to him, but it’s not like he doesn’t know.”

“Yesterday was fun, wasn’t it?” Meg asked. She hadn’t even realized that Jaquie was at the flat until she’d gotten a text that said _Peter’s being lame come hang out with me oh btw I’m at your flat surprise better get out of the tent and see me!!_ The three of them had ended up spending hours together before Bea and come home and she and Meg had returned to the tent. “I didn’t realize I wasn’t touching you. It was probably because I was worried about the camera.”

“It was in the kitchen, remember? We saw it in the colander when we went to make tea. What we were doing in the living room wouldn’t have shown up.” Jaquie’s fingers were still moving through her hair, but her tone was tense.

Meg frowned. “Oh.” Shit. How was she supposed to say that touching Jaquie in public made her feel the way she had at age fourteen when she’d smoked a cigarette and spent the whole day terrified her parents would smell the smoke and know what she’d done? “How much did that bother you? I mean, we’re not _that_ serious.” Meg said the words with confidence, but she had the uneasy feeling that they may not be strictly true.

“Have you and Peter talked about being bi at all?” Jaquie asked, side-stepping the question. “He could give you some really good advice coming out.”

Meg made a face. “I don’t know if I can handle talking to him about it. He’ll start using terms like ‘compulsory heterosexuality’ and ‘internalized biphobia.’” 

Jaquie’s fingers left her hair. “Words can be important, though. I know they were important for Peter when he was figuring things out.”

“I don’t want to learn words for things,” Meg said. “I don’t want to have to research every aspect of my sexuality to understand it.” _I just want it all to go away._ Not Jaquie, of course. She didn’t want to lose her. But if she could have dated Jaquie and still found a way to be straight, she would have done it in a heartbeat.

“You should still talk to Peter,” Jaquie said. She pulled away and got up. “I’m going to get some water.”

When she came back, she sat on the far side of the couch from Meg. They didn’t touch.

*

**Meg: ur coming to Balthy’s party, right?**

**Jaquie: um when is that again??? i might have plans (might not though who knows)**

**Meg: please tell me you’re not being serious**

**Jaquie: just messing with you I know it’s tonight tell everyone I said hi and I’ll definitely be there (probably showing up with chelsey and paige so whenever they said they’re coming that’s when I’m coming and that’s a Jaquie Manders guarantee)**

**Meg: I’ll see you tonight then!**

**Jaquie: cant wait!!**

*

“Happy birthday, Balthy!” Meg said, throwing her arms around him. Balthazar smiled and returned the hug, holding her tightly because Balthazar always hugged people like it mattered. It was one of Meg’s favorite things about him.

“I’m really glad you and Bea and here,” he said. “I know the tent’s not perfect, but it’s nice to have more of my Auckland friends here.”

Meg grinned at him. “I’m glad I’m here too,” she said. “Tonight’s going to be a blast.”

She threw herself into the party, enjoying the sense of being around people without having to be close. The next few hours were a blur of dancing and talking and drinking, but mostly watching Jaquie across the room. Everything about her was beautiful, like how reluctant she’d looked to start dancing when Paige pulled her to her feet, and how enthusiastic she’d been when she finally got going. How much Meg wanted to talk to her, kiss her, throw her arms around her and not have to worry about the camera or her friends or anything else. 

“I’m going to get some air,” she said, cutting Vegan Fred off midsentence. “Sorry, I didn’t mean—I just need some air.”

“Would you like me to join you?” he asked, smiling. Throughout the entire course of the conversation he had never stopped smiling. Meg thought about Jaquie, how each of her smiles had to be earned and how proud of herself she was when she could make one appear.

“I’m okay,” Meg said. Before he could say another word she was on her feet, and a moment later she’d made it out to the back garden. The tent loomed in the background. Meg pulled out her phone.

_Come outtside and hango ut with meeee,_ she typed. Just seconds she’d sent the text, Jaquie emerged in the garden and stood next to her.

“Hey,” she said. “Nice party.”

“Of course it is, _I’m_ hosting. Or, I’m one of the people hosting. I live here, anyway.” Meg moved so that she was standing behind Jaquie and slid her arms around her waist. 

“How drunk are you?” Jaquie asked.

“Not that drunk,” Meg said, pressing a kiss against the back of Jaquie’s neck. Okay, so she was tipsy, but not intolerably so. “Come on, hang out with me. I just spent forty minutes talking to a vegan.”

“Vegan Fred’s nice,” Jaquie said.

“He is,” Meg agreed. “But not as nice as you.” 

“I’m not nice,” Jaquie said, before turning around to kiss her on the mouth, which was _exactly_ what Meg was hoping would happen.

Meg slid her hands around Jaquie’s waist and pulled her closer, enjoying the feeling of Jaquie’s body pressed tightly against her own. She moved back to kiss her on the cheek, the jaw, then the neck, as Jaquie’s hands wound their way into her hair. The party was a distant memory, and she was so focused on Jaquie’s neck that when a voice rang out behind them, it took her a moment to figure out what was happening.

“Jaquie!” Chelsey cried. “I knew you were seeing someone, you’ve been so secretive lately! Say hi to the camera, Meg and Jaquie!” 

Meg pulled away and turned her head to see Chelsey coming toward them, camera in hand. “Shit,” she whispered, wrenching herself out of Jaquie’s arms. She ran to the tent, stumbling a little bit. Meg tried to get inside, but couldn’t get the zipper to move. Behind her, she could hear Jaquie talking quietly to Chelsey, then the sound of someone walking away.

“Want some help with that?” Jaquie asked, approaching her slowly. 

Meg let herself drop to the ground, not caring that she would get dirt all over her pretty dress. “I can’t make it open,” she said. _I swear I’m not as drunk as I sound,_ she wanted to say, but knew it would only make things worse.

“Here,” Jaquie said, reaching for the zipper and gently moving it, as though it were easy. “Come on.” She took Meg’s hand and led her into the tent. 

Meg sat down heavily on her sleeping bag. “You got her to delete the footage, right? Please tell me she deleted it.”

Jaquie looked away. “She said she doesn’t know how to. I don’t think she does a lot of filming normally, and Ben’s camera is tricky. I tried, but I couldn’t do it either.” 

“Oh,” Meg said. Of course things would happen that way, why had she ever thought things could be easy? “What are we going to do?” Her insides were clawing at her, searching for a way out, but underneath it all was this strange feeling of relief, like maybe it didn’t matter that much if everyone found out. But how could it not matter, when she’d clung to hiding things for so long?

“I don’t know,” Jaquie said.

Meg felt as though she were going to cry. “I can’t believe how stupid it was to kiss you where anyone could see.”

Jaquie scooted closer to her and slid an arm around her shoulder. Meg lowered her body a bit so that she could lean into it without the height difference being a problem “Yeah, it was stupid,” Jaquie said. “But it’s too late to do anything about it now so you don’t get to sit around beating yourself up about it.”

“I think I’ve had too much to drink,” Meg said. “Jaquie, do you even like me?” _Fuck._ This wasn’t supposed to happen, this sort of vulnerability. She was Meg Winter. She was supposed to be okay no matter what happened.

“Of course I like you,” Jaquie said. 

They stayed like that for a while, Meg leaning into Jaquie’s shoulder as she held her. “It sounds like the party’s winding down,” Jaquie said after about half an hour. “Do you want me to go?”

“No,” Meg said, closing her eyes. “But I don’t want anyone else to find out.”

“Well, who else lives in this tent?” Jaquie asked.

“Bea and Kit.”

“Bea’s staying with Ben tonight, right? And I saw Kit leave with Freddie a while ago, so they might not even be back tonight. We could probably risk it”

“Taking risks like that hasn’t gone too well for me tonight,” Meg said blearily. “With our luck they’ll all show up in the next five minutes.”

Jaquie shrugged, shoulder hitting Meg on the ear. “Then we tell them we were just hanging out, yeah? We’re friends, it’s not like it’s against the law for us to hang out in your tent.”

Meg sat up and looked at her for a long time before answering. “Okay.”

Jaquie smiled at her. Meg wondered what she had done to earn it. “Can I borrow something to wear?”

They found a large shirt (probably Kit’s, but he wouldn’t care) for Jaquie to wear. Once they’d changed, they got into Meg’s sleeping bag. Jaquie wrapped her arms around her waist, and it felt so right that Meg started to cry for real this time.

“Do you think I’m stupid?” she asked quietly, glad that her back was to Jaquie. “For not wanting anyone to know I’m bi? I mean, it’s not like it’s a big deal, right? You and Peter are out, and you manage.”

Jaquie’s fingers were warm and comforting on the skin of Meg’s stomach where her shirt had ridden up. “Just because Peter and I both managed to come out doesn’t mean it’s easy,” she said. “It’s worth it, but it’s still hard. And it has to be your decision.”

“I think I could do it,” Meg said. “Sometimes I’m so sure that I want everyone to know and have it over with. But then I think, once I say it I can’t unsay it. It’ll be too late to change.”

“You’ll figure it out,” Jaquie said. “At some point, something will make it all seem worth it. I promise.”

“I hope so,” Meg said. She reached up a hand to wipe away her tears, hoping it was too obvious what she was doing.

Jaquie gave her a playful kiss on the back of her neck. “Go to sleep. You’re a sappy drunk.”

“Shut up,” Meg said, turning around to kiss her back.

In the morning when she woke up, Jaquie was gone. She checked her phone for messages, but the only text was from Vegan Fred, who had asked for her number the night before. 

**I think I have a solution to your tent situation.**


	2. Chapter 2

Meg sat down on one of Vegan Fred’s porch chairs and looked out at the beach. The beach was so close to his flat that she could smell the salt coming from the water. “Come on, Bea,” she said, gripping the arm of her chair so that she wouldn’t shake from nerves. “Sit down.”

Bea sat next to Meg, seemingly oblivious to her inner turmoil. “Where’s your camera? Aren’t we going to film a video?” she asked. “What happened to, ‘our viewers, the loveliest of lovelies, simply _must_ know that we are now living in the land of beds?’”

Meg swallowed hard. “I need to tell you something first. And the camera can’t be on for this, just—just hold on for a second, okay?” Shit. She hadn’t even started talking and it already sounded terrible. How was she supposed to string enough words together to tell Bea the truth? It would have been easier to tell Hero, or Peter if he hadn’t already found out from Jaquie, but they had no control over the footage, and she’d be damned if she was going to Ben about this.

“What’s going on? Meg, is everything okay?” Bea looked a little bit alarmed now, and Meg wondered how bad she looked, for Bea to be worried like this.

“If I tell you, you have to _promise_ me you’ll never let it get mentioned on the channel,” Meg said. “And you have to tell Ben he can’t post the rest of the party footage. I know he’s already promised it to his viewers, but he can’t, okay?”

Bea gave her a sort of half-laugh. “Meg, what is it? Whatever’s going on, it can’t be worse than what Hero had posted about her last year.”

“Shut up, I’m being serious, okay?” Meg said. “This can’t go online. My _grandmother_ watches our channel.” She was so cute about it, too, posting all of Meg’s videos to her facebook and leaving comments on them. Meg had been worried when she posted _Hypocritical,_ but all Nana had said about it was that she had a lovely singing voice.

Bea laughed for real at this. “Your—grandmother, watches your channel? Your grandmother knows that my boyfriend won’t even let me stay in his house overnight?”

“Bea, shut up,” Meg snapped. “I’m trying to tell you I’m bi, and you’re not listening!” She flinched as the words came out of her mouth, but at least now it was out there. Meg knew she couldn’t take it back. She was glad she couldn’t.

“You’re—bi?” Bea asked, looking taken aback.

“Yes.” It came out sounding more like a question, but as long as the words were out that was a triumph.

“But what about—” Bea did her best Meg impression, which was quite frankly insulting. “‘Just like me choosing to be straight?’”

Meg rolled her eyes, trying to illustrate that this was not a big deal even though her heart couldn’t seem to slow down. “Bea, come on, you don’t need me to explain to you what a lie is,” she said. “People do it all the time, _especially_ when their friends get the bright idea to film literally _every aspect_ of their lives.”

“Oh. Right.” Bea looked down. “Um, did you ever have a crush on me?”

Meg was torn between so many answers, like _Of course I did, how could I not ___and _Don’t worry about it, it wasn’t a big deal,_ or even, _Honestly that’s none of your fucking business._ What ended up coming out of her mouth was, “That’s not the point, Bea.”

“Of course it’s not, I’m sorry. That was a stupid thing to ask, wasn’t it?” 

“Yeah, it was.” 

“So why now?” Bea asked, finally making eye contact. “Wait, hold on, that came out wrong. I don’t mean why are you bi now, you’ve probably always been bi, but why are you telling me now?” 

“Chelsey got me and Jaquie kissing on camera,” Meg said. She wanted to look away, but didn’t let herself. Instead she focused on her feet against the wood of the deck, the smell of salt as she tried to keep her breathing slow and even. “You have to make sure Ben doesn’t post that footage.” 

“I will,” Bea said. “What do you want me to tell him?” 

Meg sighed. “I guess there’s no point in lying now. He’s probably already seen it. Just tell him—tell him whatever you need to so that he won’t put it online, okay? If that means outing me, that’s fine, just as long as it stays off the internet.” 

“Of course,” Bea said, nodding vigorously. “And if you need anything from me at all, please let me know.” 

“Thank you,” Meg said. She stood up and pulled Bea into a hug. Both of them held on longer than they usually did. 

__

*

**Meg: I told Bea the truth. she said she can handle the footage so no worries there.**

**Jaquie: that’s so great proud of you babe!!!!!!**

**Meg: Thank you!! btw the flatmates are out tomorrow if you want to come over ;)**

**Jaquie: I can’t sorry.**

**Meg: :/ hope we can hang out soon though!**

**Jaquie: definitely.**

*

**Jaquie: r you going to that sardine thing the flat is doing?**

**Meg: yeah! Bea & Kit & I are all going together. you?**

**Meg: ?**

**Meg: it’s nbd if you’re not coming I just really want to see you**

**Meg: Jaquie?**

**Jaquie: sorry, left my phone on the counter.**

**Jaquie: yeah i’m coming.**

*

Meg and Jaquie walked around the park, searching for Ben. Jaquie hadn’t spoken much that evening, but if she was able to be content in silence then Meg could too. Still, she couldn’t help but watch Jaquie out of the corner of her eye. Conversations starters roamed around in her head, lines like _so how’s work, how’s the play, how’s your life?_ and _you’ve been busy lately, I miss you, I don’t know if I’m supposed to miss you but I do_ and even _I could be ready to come out soon, I really could but I need your help and I don’t know how to ask for it, please help me figure things out._

None of these were safe to say, not when Jaquie had shown up twenty minutes late for Sardines and hadn’t touched Meg once that evening. Instead, Meg gave her best flirty smile and asked, “So, do you want to sneak off and make out for a bit?”

Jaquie avoided her gaze. “We should probably keep searching,” she said. “They’ll come looking for us if it takes too long to find him. Ben doesn’t really strike me as the patient type.”

Meg leaned in closer. “Come on,” she whispered, letting her lips brush against Jaquie’s ear. “It’s Sardines, they won’t even notice if we’re gone for a bit. Besides, Bea will cover for us if she needs to.”

Jaquie laughed, but it sounded a bit strained. “Just for a few minutes, okay?” she said. “I don’t want a repeat of Balthazar’s birthday.”

“I wouldn’t mind repeating some of the parts,” Meg said, looking down at Jaquie’s lips. 

For the first time that night, Jaquie smiled. She reached over slipped her arms around Meg’s shoulders, pulling her close. “Just for a few minutes,” she repeated, lips already brushing against Meg’s.

Meg deepened the kiss, slipping her hands around Jaquie’s waist. God, this was nice. It had been one thing to make out with the occasional girl at a bar, but to do it when there were actually _feelings_ involved was something else entirely. Her whole body was awake. Jaquie’s hands running through her hair were threatening to make her fall apart entirely, and she showed her this by running her tongue along her lip. Jaquie opened her mouth and allowed it to enter.

She hadn’t thought she’d feel this way again, after what Robbie had done to her. She hadn’t even been sure she wanted to. But now she did, and Jaquie’s arms around her felt so strong, and it was everything. Meg moved her hands up to Jaquie’s biceps, feeling the muscles beneath her fingers, and honestly, in that moment she wouldn’t have cared if someone walked in on them.

Then Jaquie pulled away, so quickly that Meg almost bit her own lip. “Time’s up,” Jaquie said quickly. “We need to start looking again if we don’t want to get caught.”

They continued to stand there and look at each other. Meg waited, expecting Jaquie to say something but not at all sure what. When no words were forthcoming, she spoke instead. “It’s cold.” Meg wrapped her arms around herself. Had it been this cold before the kiss?

“Yeah,” Jaquie agreed. “Meg—”

Meg’s phone buzzed, rescuing her from the conversation they weren’t having. She answered it. “Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Freddie,” said the voice on the other end. “I just wanted to let you know that we’re finishing up early. It’s too cold for Sardines tonight.”

“Yeah, it is,” Meg agreed. She glanced at Jaquie, who was waiting patiently for her.

“Anyway, we’re going back to the flat to do movies. You and Jaquie are invited if you want.”

“Actually, I think I’ll be going back to Vegan Fred’s,” Meg said, an idea forming in her mind.

“Okay, cool. See you later. Bye!” Freddie said.

Meg hung up the phone. “They’re ending early,” she said. “I said I was going back to Vegan Fred’s. No one’s there right now, so if you want to come with me…” she raised her eyebrows to illustrate the rest, hoping to get a laugh or at least a smile out of Jaquie.

Instead she got silence, and then, “Actually, I should probably head back.”

Meg refused to let her disappointment show. She smiled. “All right. Want me to walk you?”

“No, I’m okay,” Jaquie said.

“Okay,” Meg said softly. “I’ll see you around, then?” she asked, because it was better than _what’s going on with you, why are you leaving, I thought I was supposed to be the one who did that._

Jaquie nodded, looking apologetic. “Yeah, see you.”

Meg stood there for a moment after Jaquie was gone, shivering but not wanting to go inside. When it finally got too cold to stay put, she began the walk back to Vegan Fred’s.

*

It had been over a week since Meg had heard from Jaquie, so by the time Ben’s video was posted she was on the verge of dying from boredom. Since she’d designated herself official Video Watcher so that _someone_ at Vegan Fred’s knew what was going on at the other flat, she made a point to watch the videos as they were posted. She even went so far as to subscribe to her own channel so that she could see when Ben put something up. When her phone pinged that day to let her know that ACCOSTED (stupid title, she could have done better) was posted she set up the computer on her bed and got settled in with a mug of tea. She was very prepared for whatever she’d see. She had a _notebook_ next to her, just in case something important happened and she needed to keep track of it for Bea or Balth.

By the time the swordfight started, she was leaning forward on her bed to watch the action. This right here was quality footage, but it was the content that interested Meg. When Peter started fighting back she gave a tiny shriek. Damn, if she’d known all it would take to get him to stop being passive was to chase him around with fake weapons she’d have organized it months ago.

In fact, she was so proud of Peter for working through whatever it was he was working through that she was thinking of giving him a congratulatory phone call. She took out her phone to at least text him right as the Peter in the video shouted, “I slept with Jaquie!”

Meg cancelled the text she was typing and switched threads, _Is it true?_ she demanded, as quickly as her fingers could move across the screen.

Five seconds later, her phone started vibrating. She answered it. “Hello?” 

“I’m assuming you saw Ben’s video?”

“Yeah.” Actually, it was still playing in the background. Meg paused it, not sure if she even wanted to finish if it was going to hurt her like this.

“Then yeah,” Jaquie said. Her voice was a little bit ragged. “It’s true.”

“When?” Meg asked, because it was the easiest question, because she knew if she asked _Why?_ or _What were you thinking, wasn’t I enough?_ she might start crying.

“Just after Balth’s party,” Jaquie said. “You know how Ben made it seem like Balthazar had slept with Jeb?”

Meg leaned back on her bed and looked up at the ceiling, the soft lighting that seemed to exist in every room in this flat. “Yeah,” she said softly. Ben and his editing. Ben and his videos that were so good at showing parts of the truth, all of the bits and pieces that could form a narrative, as though he really could turn their lives into a story. As though everything made sense and nothing was ever left out.

“Well, Peter was feeling super fucked up about it and he wanted to feel close to someone.”

“But—” Meg’s voice caught in her throat, and she asked an entirely different question than the one she’d been thinking about. “What about the cameras? Shouldn’t Peter have been punished?”

“He was,” Jaquie said. “It took Ben a little while to go through the footage, but they caught us talking about it the next morning.”

“I don’t understand,” Meg said. _How can you be talking about this like it doesn’t mean anything?_ “How come we never saw a punishment video?” There was a crack on her ceiling. She’d never noticed it before.

“There wasn’t one,” Jaquie said. “I don’t know all of the details, but Balthazar was in charge of the punishment and he said no cameras.”

“Why you, though?” Meg asked. The tears rose in her eyes, but she managed to keep them out of her voice. She could have been talking about the weather, from the way she sounded. 

“Because I’m who he asked.”

“But what about us?” Okay, so maybe her voice shook at the end of the sentence, and maybe she didn’t sound like she was talking about the weather anymore, but it was okay, because she was Meg Winter and she had it together.

“Meg…” Jaquie said. 

“No!” Meg said. She sat up, unable to bear that _fucking crack_ any longer. What was wrong with Vegan Fred, leaving something like when he could afford to fix it if he wanted to? “You don’t get to say my name like that.”

“Like what?”

_Like I matter to you,_ Meg thought. “You know what? This is stupid. This whole thing was stupid, I don’t know what either of us was thinking. I should go.”

After she hung up the phone, Meg buried her face in her pillow and sobbed. Her eyes were still red when she went to eat dinner with the others, but no one mentioned it to her.

*

Meg tried to watch RUSSIANFUDGE for Bea and Balthazar’s sake, so that if either of them wanted to know what was going on at the flat they could ask her.

She had to quit halfway through because she couldn’t stop crying every time Jaquie spoke

*

Meg had resolved to keep her own issues out of this video. This was about Bea and Kit, and at least a little bit about Balthazar even though he hadn’t shown any anger at all about his gift. It wasn’t about her or Jaquie or anything that had happened between them.

But all of that was there, no matter how hard Meg tried to keep it out. It was there in her face as she tried to communicate to Jaquie, who had better still be watching her videos, that what she’d done was shit. It was there when Bea first mentioned the gifts, and before Meg knew it the words. “I would like to take this time to point out that _I_ did not receive a gift,” were out of her mouth.

It was there when she edited the video, taking out some of her more pointed looks, and it was there when she decided to leave in the gift comment, and it was there when she uploaded the video and spent the next three hours checking her phone for a text from Jaquie that never came.

The next day when the Boyet’s crew were all at work, a box of chocolates arrived at the front door. Attached was a note with the words _I’m sorry for sleeping with your not-girlfriend_ in Peter’s neat handwriting.

Meg picked up the box and carried it to her room, the weight of it heavy in her hands. As she passed Balthazar’s door, she heard Peter’s voice coming through it: “How oft when though, my music, music play’st.” It took Meg a moment to recognize what she was hearing. She wasn’t surprised when she recognized it as the sonnet. It had been playing a lot lately.

Meg knocked. The sound stopped abruptly and when Balthazar opened the door, the laptop on his desk was closed.

“Want some chocolate that’s probably not vegan?” she asked, holding up the box.

Balthazar looked at her for a moment, then laughed. “Sure. You want to come in?”

“Yeah, I think I will,” Meg said. She sat down next to Balthazar on his bed and passed the box over.

Balthazar took a chocolate but didn’t eat it right away. “This is from Peter, isn’t it?” he asked. “I recognize the label, it’s his favorite.” He didn’t ask why Peter was sending Meg chocolate.

“It is,” Meg said. “So, do you think you’ll forgive him?” she asked, because she’d never been one to beat around the bush.

Balthazar played with one of his sleeves. “Yeah, probably. If he really means it.”

“Okay.”

“What about you?” Balthazar asked, looking up. “You think you’ll forgive Jaquie?”

Meg’s eyes widened. “How long have you known?” she demanded. 

Balthazar waited until he’d swallowed his chocolate, then said. “A while, I guess. Don’t worry about me telling anyone though, I kept Freddie and Kit a secret for way longer than this. Besides, you have the right to come out to people in your own time.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Meg said, running her finger along a hole in her tights. “I think we both managed to fuck that one up beyond repair.”

“Well, if there’s hope for me and Peter there’s got to be hope for you two as well, yeah? There’s no way you’ve done as shit a job of things as we have.”

Meg didn’t know what to think about this. It was true that she and Jaquie hadn’t been through as much, but they didn’t have the mutual understanding, the years of friendship, to get them through it all. She changed the subject. “Jaquie says you were in charge of Peter’s punishment,” Meg said.

Balthazar ate another piece of chocolate “Yeah,” he said once he’d finished.

“What was it?”

“He had to stay in the flat for a week, except for work and Uni and the play and all of that. And he had to actually spend time with us, that was one of the rules. He helped Ben edit a bunch of videos, you know the bath ones?”

“That doesn’t sound like much of a punishment,” Meg said. “Weren’t you pissed? I know you’re not officially dating, but it seemed like you had some kind of understanding. Didn’t it hurt to find out he’d slept with someone else?” Their situations were the same, weren’t they? Shouldn’t Balthazar be just as furious as Meg had been when she found out?

Balthazar shrugged. “I guess so, yeah, but I was mostly worried about him, you know? And it was exams and everything, so I thought maybe if I could keep him in the flat more he’d actually study and do well on them and would make things easier on him.”

Maybe their situations weren’t so similar after all. “You really love him, don’t you?” Meg asked. 

“Pretty much always,” Balthazar said. 

“How do you deal with it?” Meg asked. She looked around the room for something else to focus on and ended up staring at a ukulele. “Being in love with someone who hurts you?”

There was a silence. Meg ate three separate pieces of chocolate before Balthazar finally answered.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I mean, it’s not easy. But I still believe love matters. If it doesn’t, then nothing does. And if love matters, it matters even when the people we love hurt us. Doesn’t mean you should just sit around and take it, of course. I’m not suggesting that you have to stay in that situation. But even if it doesn’t work out, it matters. It has to.”

Meg ate another piece of chocolate. It was easier than telling Balthazar that she didn’t understand.

*

When Meg saw Ben on the deck she wasn’t surprised. When Freddie and Peter came into the house through the front door, she wasn’t surprised.

When Jaquie followed them, arms crossed and avoiding eye contact, Meg was so surprised that she almost dropped the camera. Jaquie approached her without speaking and took the camera right out of her hands. Meg almost snapped at her for that, but stopped herself as she saw the look on Peter’s face. It wouldn’t be right to ruin whatever was about to happen with her own drama. 

She couldn’t look at Jaquie or she knew it would all fall apart. Instead, she focused on the camera and making sure she was seen as a third party in all this. She took a savage sort of pleasure into tearing apart the Russian accent video (“a bit boring, I stopped when you guys ran out of milk,”) in showing how much she _didn’t care_ about the whole situation.

And okay, maybe things got a little dicey when Freddie said they’d scraped the rules, and maybe she was projecting a little bit with the whole “It’s too late” thing, but she did _not_ look into the camera when she said it so it was okay. It didn’t have to mean anything.

In fact, Meg didn’t look into the camera at all until Peter started walking towards Balthazar, and Jaquie was _right there_ and the words tumbled out of her mouth, “I’m feeling so many emotions right now,” and maybe she was dangerously close to tearing up but it was okay, Jaquie had turned the camera away and was focusing on Peter’s declaration of love, and if she _was_ crying it could just as easily be because her friends were finally getting together after all this time. Or because of Bea and Ben, who all of a sudden seemed to be in the process of breaking up, which was _not_ part of any plan that they’d ever concocted but then, that was what love did to people. 

When Vegan Fred brought out the cocoa, Meg took a mug and brought it over to Bea, who was crying. “Want to talk?” she offered. 

Bea shook her head. “I—I don’t think I can right now,” she said. She took the mug and clasped it between her hands. “I think I need to be alone for a while. Besides, I think there’s someone who wants to talk to you.”

Meg turned and saw that Jaquie was standing behind her, camera turned off and held at her side. 

She hesitated, part of her wanting to send Jaquie away without letting her speak her piece. But if everyone else had managed to talk about their issues, maybe it was time that Meg do the same. “My bedroom,” she said firmly. They could talk, but it needed to be in her space, on her terms. Jaquie didn’t get to just barge into her flat (Vegan Fred’s flat) and make her _feel_ things (some of those feelings had nothing to do with Jaquie and everything to do with Peter and Balthazar, who were currently gazing into each other’s eyes). She led the way to her room without looking back to see if Jaquie was following.

When they were both inside, she shut the door and sat down on her bed, keeping her eyes firmly away from the ceiling. Jaquie was still standing, which was fine with Meg. Let her be uncomfortable for a little while.

“I had a speech prepared,” Jaquie said after a moment. “I practiced it with Costa, actually. But I don’t think I want to use it.”

“What _are_ you going to say, then?” Meg demanded.

“That I’m sorry.”

“And? Was there even a reason for it?”

Jaquie hesitated, then sat down next to Meg. “There were a lot of reasons, but you won’t think all of them are good.”

“I’d still like to hear some.” Didn’t Jaquie know that even a bad reason would be better than sitting around and wondering? 

“Peter was really hurting, so that’s part of it.” Jaquie spoke slowly, as though she were trying to explain it to herself as well as Meg. “I figured if he was going to go out and sleep with someone it’d be better for it to be me than someone he barely knew. I would have suggested Costa under different circumstances, but there’s no way Costa would have have had sex with a cast member.”

“What about me, though?” Meg asked, hating herself a little bit for how fucking self-involved she sounded. “Was I a factor at all?”

“Of course you were,” Jaquie said, turning to look at her. “But you didn’t want to tell anyone, and I couldn’t tell if it was because you really were scared, or if I was just a fling and it wasn’t worth it to you.”

_Of course you were worth it, how can you even ask that?_ “You should have talked to me.”

“I know.”

“Were you ever going to tell me you fucked him?” Meg asked.

Jaquie crossed her arms, but the gesture looked more protective than angry. “I thought you’d find out from Ben’s channel. Sooner than you did, I mean.”

“Did you mean to get caught?” Meg crossed the room to open a window. The room had become unbearable stuffy.”

“I did. I’m pretty sure Peter did too. We talked about what had happened the next morning with the camera in plain sight, and I know he saw it.”

“Why?” Meg asked, sitting back down. 

“I’m pretty sure he wanted to be punished,” Jaquie said. “Things were weird with him, after Balthazar’s birthday. I think there was something he wanted to be punished for, so he gave them a reason.”

“But what was your reason?” Meg pressed. _Please, tell me there was something else besides that there was something wrong with me or you didn’t care. Give me something I can hold onto._ Jaquie looked at her for a moment, and Meg realized that she was on the verge of tears. _Good. She should be crying after what she put me through._

“I thought I was protecting you,” Jaquie said. “Ben had all of that party footage ready to post, and I thought maybe if I could give him something juicier to focus on he wouldn’t post our kiss. He always loves uploading things that relate to Peter and Balthazar.”

“Yeah, that was part of the lovebirds plan,” Meg said tiredly.

“What?”

Meg lifted her hands and did the bird signal she and Ben had worked out all those months ago. It seemed ridiculous now, all of the Love Gods stuff. As though anyone had a right to be that involved in anyone else’s relationships.

“Oh, so that’s what that means,” Jaquie said. “I thought it was just Ben being an idiot.”

“But you didn’t need to protect me from that footage,” Meg said, going back to their original conversation. “Bea got Ben to delete it.”

“Yeah, you texted me about that the day after Peter and I slept together. I felt so stupid for not talking to you about it, but then the punishment was never posted and I didn’t see the point in saying anything.”

“You should have told me.”

“I know,” Jaquie said. “I just—I really didn’t know what you wanted. I know it sounds stupid to say that I was scared, but I was. It’s easier to hurt people than to let them hurt me. I know that sounds selfish. But those were all part of why it happened.”

It did sound selfish. It also sounded exactly like something Meg herself would do. She took Jaquie’s hand. “So you’re saying that if I tell you exactly what it is I want you won’t fuck up and hurt me like that ever again?”

Jaquie squeezed her hand. “Why don’t you start by telling me what it is you want.”

Meg thought about this. “I want you to be my girlfriend. I want to tell the rest of my friends but I need to do it on my own time, even if that means it happens slowly. I don’t want any of this online, but I also want to stop hiding this because I really like you and I want everyone to know it. And I don’t want you to sleep with other people, or if you do we need to agree on it before it happens.”

“Deal,” Jaquie said, almost before Meg had finished her sentence. 

Meg grinned. “Do you want to make out now?”

“Absolutely.” 

Jaquie wrapped her arms around Meg’s neck and kissed her. She kissed back with everything she had.

*

A few hours later when Jaquie was gone, Meg got a text from her.

**I posted the video you’re gonna love it. slipped in a cute lil note for you too (don’t worry nothing too obvious!!) so make sure to look out for that xoxo heres a link**

Meg clicked through the link and watched the video, looking for the note. She ended up reliving a wide range of emotions as she watched two couples get together and the third break up. She couldn’t find a note anywhere. Then she looked closer and saw the video caption.

**It’s Jaquie bam bam I took Meg’s camera home and then was like might as well edit together a video so enjoy all your faves (all MY faves) ((some chocolate may be necessary)) love yas - Jaquie P.S. THANKS FOR THE PASSWORD MEG WE SHOULD HANG OUT MORE**

She tapped on Jaquie’s number. Jaquie answered after only one ring.

“That caption is the cheesiest thing that anyone’s ever done, and that includes that time Peter said his favorite color was blue like Balth’s eyes,” Meg said, leaning back on the headboard of her bed.

“So you like it?” Jaquie asked. “It occurred to me that we’ve never once interacted on your channel, so I snuck in the description.”

“I love it,” Meg said. She could see the crack in the ceiling again, but for some reason it didn’t bother her. 

“Good,” Jaquie said. 

“Oh, and I’ve got some news for you!” Meg said. “I’m staying in Wellington when Bea goes off on her travels! I came out to Vegan Fred and told him that I really, _really_ wanted to keep living close to you, and he said I can flat with him for as long as I want.”

“That’s great news!” Jaquie said. “Do you want to go out to dinner tonight to celebrate?”

Meg couldn’t have kept herself from smiling if she tried. “I’ll see you at seven.”


End file.
